The devil shows up at my house last night. Then all hell breaks loose. He knocks on the door. Our door at 560 Wayside Lane. My wife answers. She lets him in. I can’t believe that she invites the dude in. She’s like that. Just invite anybody in. While I’m still at work too.
She sits him down at the kitchen table and gives him a cup of coffee. He’s the devil for Christ’s sake.
They have this discussion. “How much do you want for your soul?” he asks.
She can take a joke. “How much you offering?”
So off they go. Back and forth, back and forth. Till finally she says to him, “I want you to get rid of my husband.”
Geez. I am a nice guy. Why does she want to do that? I thought she loved me.
He laughs that big laugh of his when he knows he’s got himself a deal. “I’ll get rid of him but you have to help.”
“No, sirree,” she says. “No can do.”
So off the two go again. The devil knows he’s got his deal. He just has to wear her down.
“C’mon, Baby, let’s have some fun.” He hasn’t called her Baby before. She kinda likes it. He is a looker after all.
“I would kinda like to be there,” she says.
“Well, you can,” he says.
“Won’t I get caught?” she says, worried a little. She’s never done this kind of work before. Getting rid of a husband, that is.
He reaches over to her hand and assures her. “Of course, you won’t.” Yeah, right. He’s the devil for God’s sake. You can’t trust that guy. “I just can’t do the job alone. How long do you think it will be before he gets here?” the devil asks.
“Oh, a while,” she says. “He gets caught in that Atlanta traffic. You know how it is. Want some more coffee?”
Devil shakes his head yes and watches her walk out into the kitchen, admiring her as he does.
She returns and sits the coffee down in front of him. “Would you like something to eat?”
“I am kind of hungry. What did you have in mind?” He takes a sip of that coffee. “That’s good. Can’t remember when I’ve had a better cup.”
“What would you like?” she asks. “To eat that is. I do make a mean scrambled eggs.”
“Eggs sound fine.”
“Coming right up,” she says and heads off into the kitchen.
He follows her and grabs her hand before she opens the refrigerator. Spins her around and kisses her hard on the lips.
She pushes him away. “Not now. Not until you’ve earned it.”
He steps away from her and drops her hand. “Yeah. You’re right. It’s just that you’re so hard to resist.”
“Now, now, Luke,” she says. “I can call you Luke, can’t I? You know. Short for Lucifer.”
He smiles. “Of course, you can.”
“Well, a deal is a deal. You get rid of my husband and I am yours.”
While my wife is fixing his eggs, Luke heads out to the car and brings back in a small, folded box. He starts opening it up.
She walks out of the kitchen and sees the Box. “We’re not going to do it in here, are we?”
Luke shakes his head. “Of course, we are.”
“No, no, no. Not in my house.” She is insistent.
The devil realizes he has no choice. “Where then?”
“How ’bout the garage?”
“The garage will do fine.” She smiles and heads back into the kitchen.
Luke folds the Box back into a small cube, then carries it into the garage. Unfolding the Box, he opens it out into the empty garage. He takes a look at his work. It’s way too lopsided but what can he do. The Box vendor has sold him another shoddy item. He shakes his head, thinking how hard it is to get good craftsmanship any more. He paid retail for this one too. “Man, I have to get a new job. This soul trading business just ain’t what it used to be.”
He walks back into the house through the side door. Gets to the dining table and takes his place. Being a hungry devil, he is ready for his eggs. She brings out the food. The eggs and bacon and toast and her potatoes. The special ones. The ones with chocolate sauce.
Luke gobbles down the food and cleans his plate. He looks up at my wife.
“Man, I sure do love this southern hospitality.”
“It’s what makes us southern.” She picks up his dishes and walks them back into the kitchen, then returns to the dining room.
About this time, there’s the sound of a car driving up into the driveway. It’s me, coming in from work.
I head for the door all unsuspecting-like. I even whistle a tune. I’m glad to be home. They say a man’s home is his castle. It’s great to be back to my castle. Little do I know what is waiting on me.
Inside I see a man slouched over and falling to the floor. I hurry to Gabby. “What happened?” Then I see the smile on her face. “What did you do?”
She says, “What can I say. He liked my eggs. It’s not my fault he is allergic to chocolate.”
I look at the body again and recognize who it is. “I thought you weren’t going to do this kind of thing again.”
She kisses me, then she says, “It was so easy. I couldn’t resist.”
“Let’s see. This is three. First, Beelzebub, then Abaddon and now Lucifer. You really have to quit this.”
I shake my head and stoop down to see if he’s still breathing. He is.
She looks over at me with that you-just-don’t-get-it look. “He wanted my soul.”
“I know. They all want your soul.”
“And he wanted yours too.”
That was a new turn of events. “What did he want with my soul,” I asked.
“Maybe he figured two for the price of one.”
“Figures.” I stand up, shaking my head.
“He put the Box in the garage.”
I lift him up and throw him over my shoulder. He’s not so heavy. When I get to the garage, I open up the door on the Box and set him down in it, then I close the Door and lock it. It’s a glass Box. I can see inside. He isn’t going anywhere so I head back to the kitchen. Gabby is waiting. She hugs me and asks, “You still love me, don’t you?”
We kiss like the lovers we are. Then I give her the a-okay. “Of course, I love you.”
She sighs her relief.
“But you have to quit this,” I say, releasing her from my arms. “This has got to be the last one. Otherwise you are going to have to see someone.”
After dinner, and it was a fine dinner too, Gabby and I head on out to the garage. There he is in the Box, slamming himself against its wall.
“Luke, you’re not going to get anywhere that way.” Then I laugh.
He stops and yells at me, “Let me out. You can’t do this to me.”
“Oh, I’m afraid we can,” Gabby says. “You were about to do this to us.”
“That was business,” he says. “I was just doing my job. This is personal.”
“That’s what Hitler said,” I say. “You ought to know better.”
“You can’t do this, Michael,” Luke says. He turns to Gabby. “You know you have a real problem.”
Gabby doesn’t take it personal. She knows she’s on top of things. “Then I’ll just have to see someone. In the meantime–” She goes over and pushes the button. A humming sounds starts.
“No, no,” Luke screams. He falls to the floor of the Box. He’s in agony.
“Say bye bye Miss American pie to that soul of yours.” She walks over to me. Arm in arm we watch as his body shrivels up and then goes still. A few minutes and the Box finishes its job. All that is left are some ashes.
Gabby goes over to a shelf and takes a metal urn. Then she scoops Luke’s ashes into it. She tops the urn and takes it over and places it on top of a shelf beside two others. On the way inside, she hums “Another one bites the dust”.
I dismantle the box and shrink it to a small cube, then I drop it into the garbage can and go inside. Gabby has a cup of coffee waiting for me. I take the coffee, then I sit down at the table.
She joins me with that smugness on her face she always has when she’s done something well. She looks at me and says, “You have to admit, Michael. This sure beats all that sword and shield stuff you used to do. You never really got anywhere with that, did you?”
She’s right. I never got anywhere that way. Gabriella was always the smartest one in Archangel School. Now she is proving it at Number 560 Wayside Lane.
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