Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a
breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;
but yet I could accuse me of such things that it
were better my mother had not borne me: I am very
proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at
my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,
imagination to give them shape, or time to act them
in. What should such fellows as I do crawling
between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,
all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.
Hamlet Act 3 Scene 1.
Act 3 Scene 1 (continued). Last week we read that Hamlet told Ophelia, “Get thee to a nunnery.” That is a downright dirty thing to say to Ophelia. She is not Gertrude. She is Ophelia. It’s not her fault for the dastardliness going on in Castle Elsinore.
Oh, sure. She broke a date with him. Because her daddy and her big bro didn’t want her to date a prince. She broke the date in a nice way and she let the star of our show know she still cared for him. Hamlet went over the top. The things he said to her were not nice. Not nice at all.
Well, Uncle Bardie has a list of suggestions for an Ophelia response. Then maybe the Hamster would have calmed down and played nice.
1. Get thee to an aviary. What you’re saying is for the birds.
2. Get thee to a brewery. You need a drink.
3. Get thee to a chum-mery. You could really use some friends.
4. Get thee to a confectionery. Then you can eat your cake and have it too.
5. Get thee to a creamery. Ice cream can work miracles on a bad day.
6. Get thee to a debauchery. You’ve been sheltered way too long.
7. Get thee to a dysentery. You’re way too backed up.
8. Get thee to an eggery. You are laying a big one.
9. Get thee to a fan-nery. You really need to cool down.
10. Get thee to a greenery. You are in such a black mood.
11. Get thee some hosiery. Then you will be fashionable.
12. Get thee to a hug-gery. You need a hug bad, and I’m not in a hugging mood.
13. Get thee to a humbuggery. You’ll fit right in.
14. Get thee some imagery. Then you can be Shakespearey.
15. Get thee to see Mick Jaggery. ‘Cause you ain’t got no satisfaction.
16. Get thee to a Larry. Or a Moe or a Curly.
17. Get thee to a laboratory. Frankenstein needs a new monster.
18. Get thee to a mopery. You’ll have some companionship.
19. Get thee to a notary. Maybe they’ll give you a seal of approval for bad behavior.
20. Get thee to a nincompoopery. You belong there.
21. Get thee to an owlery. You could use some wisdom.
22. Get thee to a perfumery. You’re starting to smell.
23. Get thee to a pharmacy. You need valium bad.
24. Ophelia: “Get thee to an office of psychiatry.”
Hamlet: “I suppose you’re going to bring up that Freudian slip thing, aren’t you? As you can see, I am not wearing a dress.”
Ophelia: “Or a hat.”
25. Get thee to a punnery and stop pun-ishing me.
26. Get thee to a quizzery. You’re asking too many questions.
27. Get thee to a revelry and have some fun.
28. Get thee to a summary. You talk too too much, saying the same thing over and over.
29. Get thee to a topiary. Edward Scissorhands is a real cut up.
30. Get thee to an umbery. You could use some color in your clothes.
31. Get thee some upholstery. Your apartment needs some dressing up.
32. Get thee to a villagery. You’ve been inside the castle too long.
33. Get thee to a winery. It doesn’t matter whether it’s red or white.
34. Get thee to xystery. Nothing like a scraping of the bones to cheer one up.
35. Get thee to a yadda-yadda-yaddary. They’ll appreciate your speechifying.
36. Get thee to a zootsuitery so you can look mahvelous. Simply mahvelous.